I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
