ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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