running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
