My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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