I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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