Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
