Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
What a dumb baby whore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
