I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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