just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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