I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
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I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Your mankini haunted my dreams.