4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.