my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Is it penis luge time yet?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
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I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night