why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
