Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I think I am morally bankrupt
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
