i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
only if we run a train.
done.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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