I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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