If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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