Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
