Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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