He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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