There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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