New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
