I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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