i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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