I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
