Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
