Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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