what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
