my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
