then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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