Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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