Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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