I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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