She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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