i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
