We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
