Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
