Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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