I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
