she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
