He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
