Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
