Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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