I want leopard sheets
thats the plan
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.