i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
