last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
