I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
