dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
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I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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