I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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