If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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