I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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