I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
