I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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