I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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